What is Something You're Ashamed to admit? Insecurities etc

[Martini]

I'm ashamed to admit that I'm insecure what other people think of me. I'm ashamed that my family is lowkey homophobic and I have to walk on eggshells around them but I pretend it's all fine. I feel like a weak *** *****, they can't stand gay people. I've been with the same person for 10 years but it doesn't matter to them, even though half of them have been divorced. I wish I had the balls to cut them off.

How about you guys? What's something that you're insecure of or feel bad about it? 

[Urbanney]

Nice try, FBI. 

Just kidding. I can definitely relate to that feeling of walking on eggshells around family and feeling depressed as I suppress myself around them so that they don't probe too much into my life. I've distanced myself from them recently, as I realize I just don't want to have those kind of people in my life. But it always sucks that I dread holidays since I end up being around them again.

My biggest insecurity right now is probably just getting a job. I'm about to graduate college, and a lot I've heard about other people's internships and networking and such, and I haven't had that. I have some loosely related job experience, but really, I just feel inadequate when applying jobs. I hate the whole process, and I'm not sure why, because the worst that happens is I get told I didn't get the job, and then I move on to the next one.

It just makes me super anxious and I legitimately have to take a xanny (ft. Billie Eilish) just to be able to stay decently calm during any networking or interviewing events. I shouldn't feel inadequate, because I went to a decently prestigious college that has a large alum network, and I have a high GPA, a lot of experience (not directly related) on my resume, and I definitely can be the reliable, hard worker, with pride in his work that any employer would like to have. But it's just imposter syndrome I guess. I'm just so afraid of not being able to get a job in my field soon, and then I'll be stuck in low-wage jobs, struggling, working overtime just to be able to live. I'm afraid of being like my cousins who lived with their parents till their 30s, haven't got good jobs, and don't have independence. 

[Roxxy]

Hmmm I think I shared about my insecurities in another insecurities thread but this time I'll share something else that makes me insecure. 

During my senior year in high school, I started playing an online game, and then when I graduated high school in 2007, I started training for that online game and I didn't go to college yet and my Mom was against it but she was never the one to make me do things I don't want to. She always respected my choices when I became a teen. 

So in 2008 I started playing professionally. That same year I went to college but I couldn't handle juggling both of them and I honestly felt bored and like I didn't care about my education anymore at that point. I was only 19 then so I was a naive. I dropped out of college in 2009 to focus more on online gaming. In 2010, my Mom talked to me. She told me that she doesn't care what I do with my life and she will support me no matter what my career path will be, but she only asked that I finish college. So I did go back to college in 2010 and I was so ashamed at that time because my friends will be graduating soon while I'm only starting proper college. From 2010-2015, I was ashamed when people would find out about my age and ask me why am I still in college.  That's why to make it up to my Mom I went to study abroad too so that it will make her feel good that I'm going to a really reputable and prestigious university. I was an only child for 20 years and I had a step sister in 2008 and my step dad died in 2013. So really, i am everything to my Mom. I'm all she's got. I have to make her proud. 

I always cringe when talking to other people, my mom's friends, my mom's business associates, my mom's acquiantances, all the adults - about me dropping out of college the first time to play an online game. I always feel like they're judging me, like, this girl is so stupid. 

I mean, i'm proud of what I've accomplished but I still look back and regret that I didn't just try to make it work and juggle both so that I graduated early while still slaying as a gamer, you know what I mean? 

Even my aunts and uncles joke about it until now. Like, in jest. That Roxxy dropped out of college to play games or you wasted your smarts on a game - they would even give my Mom a hard time about it then because she allowed me to do it. They don't understand and they never cared about it being "professional" gaming. To them, it's just a game. 

I still played professinally in 2011 to 2014 but in another online game. But it wasn't at all hard, honestly. I realized that it wasn't hard and never was. It was just me lacking motivation and drive and just being lazy - which makes it even more cringe when I think about it. 

I sit there and I look back and i'm like, i'm a smart person. Like, what the hell was I thinkin? 

[Midnight]

Right now my only insecurity is losing someone I love, I feel like I'm suffocating it's overwhelming  I'm so scared I feel like what if I loose my people what am I gonna do in this world alone.

[Midnight]

Gosh I just cried my eyes out.

[Urbanney]

2 hours ago, Midnight said:

Gosh I just cried my eyes out.

We’re here for you

[Midnight]

44 minutes ago, Urbanney said:

We’re here for you

Thank you I'm here for you 2 if you need me 

[jordeezy river red]

18 hours ago, Urbanney said:

Nice try, FBI. 

Just kidding. I can definitely relate to that feeling of walking on eggshells around family and feeling depressed as I suppress myself around them so that they don't probe too much into my life. I've distanced myself from them recently, as I realize I just don't want to have those kind of people in my life. But it always sucks that I dread holidays since I end up being around them again.

My biggest insecurity right now is probably just getting a job. I'm about to graduate college, and a lot I've heard about other people's internships and networking and such, and I haven't had that. I have some loosely related job experience, but really, I just feel inadequate when applying jobs. I hate the whole process, and I'm not sure why, because the worst that happens is I get told I didn't get the job, and then I move on to the next one.

It just makes me super anxious and I legitimately have to take a xanny (ft. Billie Eilish) just to be able to stay decently calm during any networking or interviewing events. I shouldn't feel inadequate, because I went to a decently prestigious college that has a large alum network, and I have a high GPA, a lot of experience (not directly related) on my resume, and I definitely can be the reliable, hard worker, with pride in his work that any employer would like to have. But it's just imposter syndrome I guess. I'm just so afraid of not being able to get a job in my field soon, and then I'll be stuck in low-wage jobs, struggling, working overtime just to be able to live. I'm afraid of being like my cousins who lived with their parents till their 30s, haven't got good jobs, and don't have independence. 

What's your major??

[jordeezy river red]

19 hours ago, Martini said:

I'm ashamed to admit that I'm insecure what other people think of me. I'm ashamed that my family is lowkey homophobic and I have to walk on eggshells around them but I pretend it's all fine. I feel like a weak *** *****, they can't stand gay people. I've been with the same person for 10 years but it doesn't matter to them, even though half of them have been divorced. I wish I had the balls to cut them off.

How about you guys? What's something that you're insecure of or feel bad about it? 

OMG - it's similar to me!  I have been with my BF for 9 years but my dad still just - IDK - I don't think it's me being "gay" but he just feel like he doesn't know how to relate.  You know, I empathize because it can be confusing until you see the love and understand it.  That's why the older I get, the more I just want to love everyone and realize some people just aren't wise and they all have their own demons to battle - not my fault. 

[jordeezy river red]

15 hours ago, Midnight said:

Right now my only insecurity is losing someone I love, I just lost my grandmother and all I do is have nightmares at night I feel like I'm suffocating it's overwhelming  I'm so scared I feel like what if I loose my people what am I gonna do in this world alone.

Yeah, that's the scary thing about growing old - the longer you live, the more people you lose.  That's also why it's important to try and make new friends in the real world as we grow.  I also think its a good time for a spiritual journey.  Sorry for your loss. 💙

[jordeezy river red]

18 hours ago, Roxxy said:

Hmmm I think I shared about my insecurities in another insecurities thread but this time I'll share something else that makes me insecure. 

During my senior year in high school, I started playing an online game, and then when I graduated high school in 2007, I started training for that online game and I didn't go to college yet and my Mom was against it but she was never the one to make me do things I don't want to. She always respected my choices when I became a teen. 

So in 2008 I started playing professionally. That same year I went to college but I couldn't handle juggling both of them and I honestly felt bored and like I didn't care about my education anymore at that point. I was only 19 then so I was a naive. I dropped out of college in 2009 to focus more on online gaming. In 2010, my Mom talked to me. She told me that she doesn't care what I do with my life and she will support me no matter what my career path will be, but she only asked that I finish college. So I did go back to college in 2010 and I was so ashamed at that time because my friends will be graduating soon while I'm only starting proper college. From 2010-2015, I was ashamed when people would find out about my age and ask me why am I still in college.  That's why to make it up to my Mom I went to study abroad too so that it will make her feel good that I'm going to a really reputable and prestigious university. I was an only child for 20 years and I had a step sister in 2008 and my step dad died in 2013. So really, i am everything to my Mom. I'm all she's got. I have to make her proud. 

I always cringe when talking to other people, my mom's friends, my mom's business associates, my mom's acquiantances, all the adults - about me dropping out of college the first time to play an online game. I always feel like they're judging me, like, this girl is so stupid. 

I mean, i'm proud of what I've accomplished but I still look back and regret that I didn't just try to make it work and juggle both so that I graduated early while still slaying as a gamer, you know what I mean? 

Even my aunts and uncles joke about it until now. Like, in jest. That Roxxy dropped out of college to play games or you wasted your smarts on a game - they would even give my Mom a hard time about it then because she allowed me to do it. They don't understand and they never cared about it being "professional" gaming. To them, it's just a game. 

I still played professinally in 2011 to 2014 but in another online game. But it wasn't at all hard, honestly. I realized that it wasn't hard and never was. It was just me lacking motivation and drive and just being lazy - which makes it even more cringe when I think about it. 

I sit there and I look back and i'm like, i'm a smart person. Like, what the hell was I thinkin? 

It's never too late to try something new, and your experience at Exhale could help you maybe get into marketing or web security. 

[Jordan Miller]

What a great idea for a thread. It's super powerful to shine a light on your insecurities. It de-energizes them.

I'm insecure about my financial situation. I thought by 32-years-old I'd be debt free and growing a 401k, but instead I'm living paycheck to paycheck. It's been hard to make a living off BH ngl. My family for YEARS have pressured me to get "a real job." Go work for Billboard or some other music giant etc. They don't get that I want BH to BE a Billboard one day. If I take my time and attention away from here, it will never happen. They don't understand what it's like to be an entrepreneur. It's freaking hard. I was even considering throwing in the towel last year after BH RX and Community failed. But a huge part of how I identify myself as myself is BH. I love BH and you guys too much to walk away. 

[Spicechinodiva]

Being my grandparents favorite made me hated among my cousins. Yes they know, I almost died as a newborn..But they're jealously affected me. I always pushed myself harder. I can be critical. My cousin Who I looked up to. Had a 4.0 GPA and had freaking Harvard University lined up. Well she moved to California just one year shy if graduation and her GPA amd everything just went away. 

 

I also came from a family that perfection is a must. As a military brat. The way the house is presented, everything has a place, and Kids and teens are meant to be seen not heard. 

 

And I never understood my high school peers. They partied, basically throwing their futures away.. after School. I did more studies like Going to dance classes six days a week. Throwing myself into the books and further my music education.

 

Basically being a loner. Basically made me not need people in my life and a small circle.

 

Also. My biggest flaw. I can hold a grudge like no other. Me and my mom haven't talked since the last election. I can never forgive for voting for Trump.. and shockingly I wasn't the only one willing to cut family or friends over the last election..

[Martini]

58 minutes ago, jordeezy said:

OMG - it's similar to me!  I have been with my BF for 9 years but my dad still just - IDK - I don't think it's me being "gay" but he just feel like he doesn't know how to relate.  You know, I empathize because it can be confusing until you see the love and understand it.  That's why the older I get, the more I just want to love everyone and realize some people just aren't wise and they all have their own demons to battle - not my fault. 

 Beautifully said— perhaps I’ll take some inspiration from your post  

[Martini]

47 minutes ago, JordanMiller said:

What a great idea for a thread. It's super powerful to shine a light on your insecurities. It de-energizes them.

I'm insecure about my financial situation. I thought by 32-years-old I'd be debt free and growing a 401k, but instead I'm living paycheck to paycheck. It's been hard to make a living off BH ngl. My family for YEARS have pressured me to get "a real job." Go work for Billboard or some other music giant etc. They don't get that I want BH to BE a Billboard one day. If I take my time and attention away from here, it will never happen. They don't understand what it's like to be an entrepreneur. It's freaking hard. I was even considering throwing in the towel last year after BH RX and Community failed. But a huge part of how I identify myself as myself is BH. I love BH and you guys too much to walk away. 

I think a lot of people love this site as much as you do Jordan ❤️ Have you thought about keeping the site open and delegating tasks to other people/mods while focusing on other ventures? I don’t think the site necessarily has to suffer just because you’re focused on other things. Anyway, maybe I’m sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong. I just want to see  BOTH you and BH thrive.

[Blackout2006]

“You think that I might back down but I won't
Think that I might have doubts but I don't
No insecurities, Won't you just let me, let me be“

Spoiler

Since I will be 14 this year, I guess I will face a lot of changes on my beautiful face and it has already started happening I hate when I look in the mirror to see those marks ruin my face I really feel so bad I am also really insecure about the potbelly (please don’t laugh at me) that I unfortunately have so basically, whenever I look into the mirror, I always wish that had the stomach and face of my 7 year old face no marks, no potbelly, no weird hairno dark eyes plus, more happiness and innocence and no insecurities

 

[Roxxy]

1 hour ago, JordanMiller said:

What a great idea for a thread. It's super powerful to shine a light on your insecurities. It de-energizes them.

I'm insecure about my financial situation. I thought by 32-years-old I'd be debt free and growing a 401k, but instead I'm living paycheck to paycheck. It's been hard to make a living off BH ngl. My family for YEARS have pressured me to get "a real job." Go work for Billboard or some other music giant etc. They don't get that I want BH to BE a Billboard one day. If I take my time and attention away from here, it will never happen. They don't understand what it's like to be an entrepreneur. It's freaking hard. I was even considering throwing in the towel last year after BH RX and Community failed. But a huge part of how I identify myself as myself is BH. I love BH and you guys too much to walk away. 

I love you. 

[Roxxy]

1 hour ago, jordeezy said:

It's never too late to try something new, and your experience at Exhale could help you maybe get into marketing

Yep, that's my pre-COVID19 job. 

1 hour ago, jordeezy said:

or web security

[Charlotte_the_Harlot]

2 hours ago, JordanMiller said:

What a great idea for a thread. It's super powerful to shine a light on your insecurities. It de-energizes them.

I'm insecure about my financial situation. I thought by 32-years-old I'd be debt free and growing a 401k, but instead I'm living paycheck to paycheck. It's been hard to make a living off BH ngl. My family for YEARS have pressured me to get "a real job." Go work for Billboard or some other music giant etc. They don't get that I want BH to BE a Billboard one day. If I take my time and attention away from here, it will never happen. They don't understand what it's like to be an entrepreneur. It's freaking hard. I was even considering throwing in the towel last year after BH RX and Community failed. But a huge part of how I identify myself as myself is BH. I love BH and you guys too much to walk away. 

I truly understand you, I own small business and I work from home, and all the time I hear from my family to get "a real job" 
I'm insecure about my financial situation too, but making your dreams come true takes a lot of time. What I really want is to live on my own rules, I guess that having problems with paying bills is kind of sacrifice for standing out from society...
Please never give up!
I'm telling this myself every day. 

[Jordan Miller]

2 hours ago, Roxxy said:

I love you. 

Love you back sis  Thank you for helping me with Exhale and making this a better place