I Went to the Hospital Twice.. Almost Overdosed

[I Am JayTawndre]

First I want to apologize for not being transparent with how I produce and if that offended anyone I'm sorry. I'm not tagging anyone in this post. I'm not doing this for attention I'm doing this because I'm broken and if anything were to happen to me I want to leave a mark in the world. A message of hope despite my circumstances.  I've messed up and made a .ot of mistakes. I'm tired of even giving excuses anymore. I need to change. I want to be better. 

I haven't been honest... I relapsed.  I am dealing with a lot. I'm so scared to go to rehab or any program I've been abused before mentally and ***ually it is a very hard thing. 

I want to share this. Because someone needs to hear it. 

I might not wake up tomorrow or who will or wont? It's not up to us... 

I am seeking God in prayer I cannot stop crying.... 

I'm a mess... 

I love you guys I don't know what's gonna happen to me but I'm praying God allows me to live a good life 🙏  into turning 30 this year. I'm praying I dont wanna go to sleep... 

Please don't send hate my way, I just need support. I'm homeless and if it weren't for one of my cousins to shelter me in her house during this dark time for a few days I would be outside outside abandoned mall like I was a few days ago. 

I'm not ashamed to share my story. Don't make stupid choices like me because it could change ur life forever... but As Britney says... God is good 👍  

Love ,

 Jay

[Whyshouldibsad21]

Sending prayers for you hon.

[Sgt Spears deputy]

I will pray for you.I wished I could help you. Feel huged.You are not alone in this world. 

I'm sorry that I'm writing this now, here it should only be about you, how to help you.but you are not the only one who is afraid of doctors. Brit and I feel the same way. That's why they don't believe me that I'm sick. Their logic is,if I were really so sick,I would go to a doctor.I have panicked fear.but strangely not with every doctor.ophthalmologist,dentist no problem. I have only fear the general practitioner, in the hospital,pychologist.

Once I accompanied a friend to the doctor.I was just standing in the waiting room it went very fast.I didn't even see the doctor.when we were outside,he was horrified. he was surprised that I had panic and no more self-confidence.

 What has been done to us?

Until my friend said that, I didn't even know that my weird behavior had to do with fear. Certainly not that there are more people like me. Of course I knew that some do not like to go to the dentist, but not that it is as crass as with me.We are in a quandary.We need help and are afraid of those who could help.

[I Am JayTawndre]

Just now, Cinderella85 said:

I will pray for you.I wished I could help you. Feel huged.You are not alone in this world. 

I'm sorry that I'm writing this now, here it should only be about you, how to help you.but you are not the only one who is afraid of doctors. Brit and I feel the same way. That's why they don't believe me that I'm sick. Their logic is,if I were really so sick,I would go to a doctor.I have panicked fear.but strangely not with every doctor.ophthalmologist,dentist no problem. I have only fear the general practitioner, in the hospital,pychologist.

Once I accompanied a friend to the doctor.I was just standing in the waiting room it went very fast.I didn't even see the doctor.when we were outside,he was horrified. he was surprised that I had panic and no more self-confidence.

 What has been done to us?

Until my friend said that, I didn't even know that my weird behavior had to do with fear. Certainly not that there are more people like me. Of course I knew that some do not like to go to the dentist, but not that it is as crass as with me.We are in a quandary.We need help and are afraid of those who could help.

I felt the same way... they did chest x-rays and heartbeat ekg , they drew blood. They said I'm fine. I don't feel fine but maybe the drugs did a number on my nerves like they said because it woke me up out of sleep... I'm scared but praying 🙏 I have to go to rehab.  I need to be ready because I can't afford one More relapse. 

[Sgt Spears deputy]

Just now, JayTawndreLovesYou said:

I felt the same way... they did chest x-rays and heartbeat ekg , they drew blood. They said I'm fine. I don't feel fine but maybe the drugs did a number on my nerves like they said because it woke me up out of sleep... I'm scared but praying 🙏 I have to go to rehab.  I need to be ready because I can't afford one More relapse. 

I wish you just the best.You make this.

[Letslearn]

hey jay, nobody is perfect, you must feel a weight on your shoulders right now. just like with brit, when you get hurt by certain people or establishments it can be very hard to trust again. Wishing you nothing but the best on your journey <3 <3 <3 
p.s. I've honestly felt the same about feeling really tired of choices i make that are self destructive, there is a gospel song that i listen to sometimes when im trying to tell myself that i make mistakes but i have it in me to do better. it's called wanna be happy by kirk franklin

This is also something i've gone to when im feeling alone, maybe you might get a warm feeling from it. 
https://thenicestplace.net/

and some cute videos for some natural dopamine ^-^ sending you love 
Big doggo carrying small doggo

foxes jumping on trampoline

[I Am JayTawndre]

19 minutes ago, Letslearn said:

hey jay, nobody is perfect, you must feel a weight on your shoulders right now. just like with brit, when you get hurt by certain people or establishments it can be very hard to trust again. Wishing you nothing but the best on your journey <3 <3 <3 
p.s. I've honestly felt the same about feeling really tired of choices i make that are self destructive, there is a gospel song that i listen to sometimes when im trying to tell myself that i make mistakes but i have it in me to do better. it's called wanna be happy by kirk franklin

This is also something i've gone to when im feeling alone, maybe you might get a warm feeling from it. 
https://thenicestplace.net/

and some cute videos for some natural dopamine ^-^ sending you love 
Big doggo carrying small doggo

foxes jumping on trampoline

I love that Kirk Franklin song ❤️ 

I will check out that link and stuff. Thanks for the support ❤️ it's a very hard time 

[SlayOut]

Jay, I’m sorry to hear this. I’m glad your cousin can provide some temporary shelter and hopefully you got the emergency help you needed at the hospital.

Take some time today to rest, and then tackle the days ahead. I’m not sure if your cousin can assist you in looking into different rehab/spiritual retreat programs that might be different from the ones you were at in the past? There is bound to be something else out there… Hang in there.

[rennen2.0]

Aw sorry to hear this, Jay. It sounds like a constant struggle and that must be quite terrifying. Is your cousin not able to provide you with shelter on a more permanent basis instead of temporary? It would make the world of difference given your circumstances. Although easier said than done the best thing is to try and remain positive and hopeful for change. I hope things start to turn around for you soon.

[MadonnaBritneyLove]

I want to tell you so much. And I wish I could help you from the other side of the world (Stockholm Sweden). At this point you don't have to do so much more than to survive. Life is bad now, you broke. But if you try to just breathe through the minutes now. The anxiety will eventually be more manageable. Things can change. Just a little bit at the time. To think about everything now is to much so just try to survive. The only really necessary thing now is to get help at a rehab. Try the hardest to stay away from the substances. Don't think about the rest. The meaning of life is not happiness or love or something like that, the meaning of life is life. So please please try to love yourself enough to not give up now. How tiered you may be just try to survive. You have my love! You are love! Be good to yourself!

[Lou]

the timing of this event is strange... odd

 

I dont believe you one bit. Sorry

[I Am JayTawndre]

1 hour ago, Lou said:

the timing of this event is strange... odd

 

I dont believe you one bit. Sorry

I don't believe you're really Lou Taylor....

[Marlean]

I hope you feel better soon. Things have a tendency to always work out in the end. Don't think too much about everything at once. Take one issue at a time. 

[Lou]

37 minutes ago, JayTawndreLovesYou said:

I don't believe you're really Lou Taylor....

WELL DUH! Obviously im not lmao

WHO POST ON A FORUM WHILE BEING IN THAT SITUATION!!!!!!

im really sorry but theres something about you that gives me the creeps... i think you are a covert narcissist AND A LIAR

[RebellionSparkles]

❤️It’s a tough time for you. We are all cheerleading, hoping for you to find peace and stability. You have been a huge value-add to this forum.

[I Always Sing Live]

2 hours ago, Lou said:

WELL DUH! Obviously im not lmao

Imagine being this bad at trolling while running a troll account.

[I Am JayTawndre]

3 hours ago, Lou said:

WELL DUH! Obviously im not lmao

WHO POST ON A FORUM WHILE BEING IN THAT SITUATION!!!!!!

im really sorry but theres something about you that gives me the creeps... i think you are a covert narcissist AND A LIAR

That is so horrible to say and I can't believe you're being so heartless. Sorry my transparency bothers you. It's my life. Call me problematic I don't care.

[I Am JayTawndre]

2 hours ago, RebellionSparkles said:

❤️It’s a tough time for you. We are all cheerleading, hoping for you to find peace and stability. You have been a huge value-add to this forum.

Thank you so much 

[I Am JayTawndre]

56 minutes ago, I Always Sing Live said:

Imagine being this bad at trolling while running a troll account.

Your posts always make me laugh and smile. God bless 

[I Am JayTawndre]

3 hours ago, Marlean said:

I hope you feel better soon. Things have a tendency to always work out in the end. Don't think too much about everything at once. Take one issue at a time. 

I needed to hear this like really.