I Am Not Ok

[BrittonJeanSpears]

By all accounts, I should be happy. I have a working car, I have two jobs with co-workers I enjoy (even if my main boss is a C U Next Tuesday), I recently bought my first home and I live with my grandmother whom I adore. I have a loving and large immediate family, I have friends who would ride or die for me, and I have the most wonderful boyfriend I could ask for. I should be over the moon each and every day.

But I'm not. I'm depressed and tired all of the time. I'm overwhelmed. I feel alone. My boyfriend lives 40 minutes away and I get to see him like maybe once a month. We usually talk every day, but I haven't heard from him in 3 days. He hasn't said I love you in a while. He told me when we last talked not to doubt him, but I feel him slipping away. My family loves me but they don't support me. Even putting in an alarm system, a basic necessity for living alone, earned me scathing paragraphs of text from my mother about wasting unnecessary money after she was told by my grandmother, who didn't approve. The same thing happened again when I told my grandma of my intentions to adopt a dog. My best friends are always busy with their boyfriends or work, so we only get to see each other maybe once every six months. My house and car are probably the only things I feel safe and secure about at the moment, but that doesn't really help much when I'm barely making it paycheck to paycheck on a full-time job and a part-time to supplement it and could lose them both if I mess up in either job. My grandma can't help me financially, she's living on disability because she's old and if she were to get a part-time job, they'd take her disability from her.

I feel so alone, but I can't tell anyone in my life. I've already told my boyfriend about how I feel about our relationship and he brushed off my concerns and told me not to doubt him. But he didn't say I love you, even after I practically begged him to. And we've been together almost two years, him saying it is nothing new. I can't tell my family, because my grandma just wouldn't understand and my mother would just call me weak. I can't even talk to my best friends because it'd just make them feel bad that they're always so busy and it's not like anybody can change anything, so why make any of them feel bad?

[Corso]

It sounds like you need to sit down with your boyfriend and give him an ultimatum. If he’s not all in (which it sounds like, at times, he hasn’t been) then y’all maybe shouldn’t be together. You deserve someone who is gonna treat you better than what you’ve described.

You also sound like suffering from a little bit of depression. I hate using that word as I think it gets thrown around too much, but that does sound like what is giving you that not OK feeling.
 

It sounds like the root of your depression may be because of the situation with your bf or it could be the pressure you feel in your job and your financial situation. Me telling you to take it easier on your self isn’t helpful, but honestly I think you need to try to do that. Being so hard on yourself is causing you to feel this way.

You should maybe see if there is a help group (virtual or in-person) you can attend and speak to other people in your situation and someone professional who can help you see things differently and ease the pressure you are feeling.

It sucks that I can’t help you more than this, I would love to be able to solve this for you. Take care of yourself though!

[MasterMindz]

I think a lot of us are raised to always be thankful to have a car, a house, jobs, health, water, and food, so much that we tend to feel kind of "guilty" about "not feeling good". We burry such feelings and then they erupt. So its okay to be not okay! Not everything is money, work, and health. We are humans and life goes beyond the basics, even though we should always be thankful for what we have.

From your post though, I feel that your relationship is taking a toll on you. Usually relationships and partners make up for absent friends, and they are supportive when other family members are not. But in your case, I feel like your partner is not there, and the fact that they no longer says "I Love You" means that they are not feeling the love. I don't know much about what your partner is feeling or going through, but based on what you mentioned from your end, you may need a healthier relationship with someone who can take the loneliness away and support your decisions.  

Regarding the pet adoption - if you have time for a pet, and if you have enough money to put aside for their care, then definitely adopt the dog. It is your decision, and no one has the right to shame you on it. Dogs need a lot of attention though, so you really need to have both time and financial resources for it.

I also echo @Corso that you need to find some people you can talk too! Such settings can help you ALOT! If not a group, then a shrink or a therapist would really help you make the right decisions. At the end of the day we go through so much, and we need the right therapy to stay mentally healthy.

[Strawberry Lemon Kiss]

i don't know you im just a lurker!!! but im sending you good vibes and strawberry lemon kisses ur way sweets!!! 🍓🍋👄!!!! 💖

[GlitterRain]

Sending you positive vibes 🤍

[GarrettJames]

I'm sorry you're depressed. maybe look up a therapist you can start seeing. they're good to vent to when you have nobody to talk to. Feel better hun.