It sounds like you need to sit down with your boyfriend and give him an ultimatum. If he’s not all in (which it sounds like, at times, he hasn’t been) then y’all maybe shouldn’t be together. You deserve someone who is gonna treat you better than what you’ve described.
You also sound like suffering from a little bit of depression. I hate using that word as I think it gets thrown around too much, but that does sound like what is giving you that not OK feeling.
It sounds like the root of your depression may be because of the situation with your bf or it could be the pressure you feel in your job and your financial situation. Me telling you to take it easier on your self isn’t helpful, but honestly I think you need to try to do that. Being so hard on yourself is causing you to feel this way.
You should maybe see if there is a help group (virtual or in-person) you can attend and speak to other people in your situation and someone professional who can help you see things differently and ease the pressure you are feeling.
It sucks that I can’t help you more than this, I would love to be able to solve this for you. Take care of yourself though!