I just came out to my family...it was bad.

[sparrowhawk]

So on June 7th, my (very religious, very close knit Italian) family called me to ask if I had something I was keeping from them. I've been bisexual since 16, slept with more dudes than girls, but have spent literally my entire life pretending I was a good little Christian boy. Since last August I've been living with my amazing boyfriend. I decided in that moment to share my truth: "I'm bisexual", I said. All hell broke loose. 

They called me every slur and every name in the book, told me I was a disappointment, told me I'm letting Jesus down, told me I'm a disgrace to the family, told me I was no longer a part of the family, and haven't spoken to me since. After two months, they dropped off a letter which further emphasized their opinion of me as a "sodomite" and clarified that they cannot and will not support my "lifestyle choice."

To be honest guys, it's been tough. We were so close. I ate dinner with my parents three nights a week, even at 32 years old. It was terrible hearing all of that bull****, but it's been even worse buying and flipping my first home with my guy and not having my family to share it with. I have one brother who is a preacher in their baptist religion. He's currently expecting their first baby, my parent's first grandchild. He's tried staying in touch, but it's strained and several times he's reminded me that he doesn't want his son "influenced" by my "lifestyle" and he won't ever support me and my partner. 

Guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has gone through something similar. The guilt I feel every day is gut-wrenching. Seems like most of my friends are blessed with wonderful accepting families, but I drew the short straw on that one. Any advice for me? Sorry to unload on you all, but it's crushing me more and more everyday, and Exhale has become a community I've grown to love. Thanks for listening, if nothing else. Love you guys. 

[Slayer]

First of all I want to say congratulations on finally being true to yourself and coming out to your family, that was really brave of you!  You've done an incredible thing and should be so proud of yourself  I hope it feels like a massive weight has been lifted off your shoulders.

I'm really sorry to hear how your experience has been, I truly am. If i'm honest, you're not a 'disgrace' to your family, your family are a disgrace for treating you this way. I hope they come around one day soon, but if not it is THEIR loss and not yours. You need to be surrounded by people that love you for you and accept you for who you are - those people that do are your real family, whether blood related or not.

Please don't feel guilty for being you, because there is nothing wrong with you for being true to yourself.

Focus on the positives, you can now live your best life and not have this hanging over your head! You've got a loving boyfriend, you've bought your own home, this is where your life truly begins.

I'm wishing you nothing but the best, sending lots of love and good vibes your way! 

If you ever want to talk please feel free to message me or reach out to the community on here, we're all here for you and support you!

I'm sure that there are unfortunately many other people who can relate to your situation, but things will get better. Like I said if they don't want to be a part of your life, that is their loss and they are the ones missing out.

Stay strong and appreciate the good things in your life 

 

[Roxxy]

Aww. Lemme give you a hug first. 

I say give them some time. If you say you're a close knit-family, i'm sure love will win in the end. They won't be able to resist being away from you. Sometimes, families are/get dysfunctional but at the end of the day, we're all still family. I don't know with some people but that's what I believe in.

Right now. Just live your life and don't let it affect you that much. They'll come around. And have faith. It's the only thing at this point. 

*Cue music: Funny how one can learn to grow numb to the madness and block it away. I left the worst unsaid. Let it all dissipate and I try to forget.*

💛💜🦄

[ColdAsFire88]

I just wanna give you a hug right now. Thank you for sharing your story. My first boyfriends family was like your family. I invited him to be around my family and he tried to be as much as he could but I think it hurt him to see and reminded him of his family.

I noticed he would isolate and get depressed then he started drinking (self medicating). I tried really hard to get him to come out of that. 

My advice...focus on the ones that love you for you and don’t be afraid to branch out - family wise. You sound like a good person and leveled headed. Try to focus on the positive. At least you are living your truth now and you aren’t hiding anything. Some of my friends families eventually came around but they had boundaries then built off that. 

I am always in favor of therapy. Its good to get some outside perspective and see things from someone else's point of view. Therapy has helped me a lot over the years (Ive gone 3xs).

I would say avoid anything that could turn into self medicating. Feel your emotions and talk about them like you are now. Don’t isolate or bury this because this is important and its your family. I think its good that you have a partner. 

I know most of us are social distancing so support groups aren’t meeting in person but there should be zoom meetings. Maybe look into those? There’s literally a support group for everything. There’s also exhale  

[RadicalOptimism]

I'm very sorry that you had to go through that and that they didn't support who you are. I still haven't come out to my family except for my siblings and my lesbian cousin. Thankfully my siblings have all been extremely supportive considering my sister is a lesbian as well. My parents know about her and haven't treated her any differently, but my dad has always said that it's worse for men to be with men. They're very religious, and I believe they'd have an issue if I were to come out. I don't think that I'd receive the same response you did, but you mentioned you had dinner with them three nights a week. It sounds like you're doing very well for yourself and you're with someone who loves and accepts you. I'd say that's something to be very proud of. Jesus would never turn his back on anyone and the fact they're treating their own son like this only reflects poorly on them. Hopefully they'll eventually come around, but until then just focus on those around you who love and accept you for who you are. 

And if you ever want to talk feel free to PM me 

[AmorProhibido]

I'm so, so sorry you had to go through that. It's always unfortunate when religion comes between you and loved ones. When I was 14, my very pentecostal, Christian home schooled, living on a farm in Indiana cousins discovered I was bisexual. I had bibles thrown at me, was dragged to church, and publicly condemned. Slurs were thrown and I was basically told that I had brought shame to my family's name.

I know they're good people, however, they believe what they believe. I can't change their views, just like they can't change my sexuality. The same can be said for your family. 

I'm not going to say that they're going to one day come around because they may never. Having faith that they will doesn't hurt, but please don't ever feel guilty or spend your life waiting for their approval. If they can't accept you, then find people who can. 

I realize that's easier said than done, especially since your family clearly meant a lot to you. Time will lessen the ache though, and in the mean time, focusing on the people in your life who love you for you will help. And let me just say, you are the farthest thing from a disappointment or a let down to Jesus, etc. You had the courage and strength to come out to some of the most important people in your life. Unfortunately, they didn't have the courage or strength to accept you. This is entirely their loss, not yours. 

Hopefully they'll come around, but if they don't, just know you have an entire community on here who will always be willing to support you and show you love. That side of my family never learned to embrace who I am and instead chose to cut ties. Though I do miss them, I never feel too sad as I have the most amazing friends and people in my life who don't look down on me just because of my sexuality. You can totally do the same. As the others have said before me, if you ever need to talk, let me know. You're not alone in this. I know it may not feel like it right now, but things WILL get better. It might be days or weeks or months, but you won't feel like this forever, I promise. ❤

[MissSpearsSaysSo]

I came out on Christmas of 2009, and I ruined the holidays for everyone. My mom for 2 days and my dad threw a bible at me and then they both sat me down and told me I was going to hell. Needless to say, I don’t speak to them anymore. Don’t worry, it gets better.  

[Fenixxx123]

My case it's very similar to yours. My parents are Christians but they're not homophobic, we believe that God loves us and loves our hearts. I haven't came out to them yet because I'm a bit scared (insecurities) but sure will do it one day when I'm prepared.

All I have to say to you is you are BRAVE and special

[VCTR]

I had a coworker complaining about her son standing up her on some issue (I didn't ask questions about what), and she said she thought he needed to step in line because "your parents are always right and deserve your respect".

I completely disagree. We're about the same age, but pretty much always knew I was a gay. I mean, here is Baby VCTR

People done did knew before I knew what gay was. Actually, two years ago on my birthday, my mom told me she thought I'd grow up to be a drag queen (in context, what she meant was transgender). My dad is much less excepting. He actually lit those clothes (my sister's) on fire so I couldn't play with them. For being so straight, he really did have the flair those gay dramatics. When he married his new wife, he apparently was afraid to tell her about my "condition". 

Today we don't really talk. There's no war. Just we don't talk. Sometimes I want to, you know, put out the effort, but, you know what? Why? If I had a friend I could get along with great but then they'd go and be okay with another gay being a victim of a hate crime, then they're not really a friend. I know it's hard to let people go, especially family, but sometimes you have to make a stand for what is right. Do what is best for yourself and the world around you. If they can't except that, then it's their loss. 

I want you to know @sparrowhawk that I don't know you but right now I love you as much as I know how to love anyone and I stand with you. I got you. And never forget that "If your parents think you're gay then you're doing it right."

 

[CripplerCrossface]

I know how hard it's to deal with that kind of stuff, I dealt with that when I was 16... I show (in a very rebellious way) my family that nothing would "change" me and that they need to respect me, I have to do it because I had no place to run...

But in your case, life gives you a chance to be free and happy... Now you have a REAL home and REAL family with you boy, someone who really loves you as who you are. If you family really cares about you, they will search you when the time it's right for them to accept it, but don't let that bothers you, live. 

[Charlotte_the_Harlot]

Few years ago I was so conflicted with my family, I've had to take medications and go to therapy... Very dark time for me. 
As the time goes by, I feel much better. I talk to my family again, but it's not like it used to be before. Of course it hurts when I think about the past.
But I have to say, I'm much stronger now.

I'm sure you would regret living pretending to be someone else, just to please your family. 
Remember, it's your life, and your choices. It's impossible to make everyone happy. As long as YOU are happy, everything is alright. Your family is wrong, not you. 
Sometimes mentally growning up may be brutal. But your hapiness is worth everything. You're not alone, you have your boyfriend by your side. 

If you'll go through all this hard time, I truly believe you'll be stronger, strongeeeer than yesterdaaaayyy! 

And I hope your family will change their minds, after all. 

[Mercuryrising]

I am so so sorry that we live in a world like this. Please know I am sending you MASSIVE love. I pray so hard that this world changes. 
 

You are incredibly strong. Heal. Then channel this into helping others when you are ready. MANY people go through this. It’s heartbreaking.

[TheySayImCrazy18]

First Of All, Congratulations On Living Your Truth!!!   Coming Out Is Never Easy, And I’m Sorry That You Have Gone Through This.  I Know It Seems Like The End Of The World, But Even The Most Un - Accepting Of People Using Come Around... Eventually.  I Too Have A Very Religious Family, They Are Conservative, And Quite Close Minded.  Coming Out To Them Was Difficult, And Hard For Them To Come Around On.  But, They Did.  I’m Not Sure If Your Situation Would Be The Same, But I Would Never Lose Hope.  And At The End Of The Day... Think Of The Positives.  You Said You Just Flipped Your Home With Your Boyfriend, You Have Friends That Support You.  Those Are All Great Things!  Losing Your Family Is Though, But The Unfortunate Truth Is That Life Goes On.  I Hope And Pray For You That They One Day Come To Love You For Who You Are.   💞💞
 

[sparrowhawk]

I have waited to respond because reading your posts made me so emotional. All I can manage to say in this moment is thank you. Thank you truly, deeply, from the bottom of my heart. As I continue to process and heal and reconstruct my life, I will update you along my journey. Thank you guys so much.