Hearing Homophobic Remarks From Your Family Members

[redacted statement]

This is more so just a venting thread because I woke up to something really disgusting today.  So, I get up and hear my stepfather, stepsister and little brother chattering in the room next to mine. I guess my little brother did something that made my stepfather say what he said. Not exactly sure what my brother did, but I'm assuming he reenacted one of the dumb cartoons that he watches, which is something he does all the time. This is what my stepfather said:

"Stop, this is where those ****ots come from. My boy is not going to be like that."

 

Just when you think you're becoming more comfortable with the idea of coming out, **** like this happens.  The questionable part is that my sister once asked him a hypothetical question, "Are you gonna kick me out of the house if I bring home a girl," and he said that he wouldn't. Go figure...  Definitely ruined my day, but I'll get over it because I recognize that it's him that has problems, not me. I mean, I won't hold a grudge, but since I don't know if he'll ever come around, he doesn't deserve my time of day for now. I refuse to go through the insane amount of fear, risk, anxiety and stress that accompanies coming out for some like him. Plus, this isn't the first time. 

 

Update: I asked my sister, and it turns out that all my brother did was put on a pink shirt from my sister's closet. 

[Jordan Miller]

Wow. I'm super sorry to hear that. That's horrible. But it appears you have a good attitude about it. You're right, it's definitely his bad mindset not yours. 

[redacted statement]

14 minutes ago, Jordan Miller said:

Wow. I'm super sorry to hear that. That's horrible. But it appears you have a good attitude about it. You're right, it's definitely his bad mindset not yours. 

Yeah, a few years ago I probably would've shut myself off after words like that, but those days are gone. It just pains me to think about what someone else (who might not be as secure in their sexuality just yet) would feel in a situation like this. 

[Urbanney]

That’s awful. Having to be around people that you know are prejudiced against you and that feeling of needing to hide and keep a wall up is seriously so demoralizing, or at least it was for me. 
 

I’m so sorry you have to deal with this, but I’m glad you seem to know your worth and recognize that this is his problem, not yours. Keep staying safe and loving yourself for who you are. I support you. Feel free to PM me if you ever need to talk, genuinely.  

[TSmidnighTS]

People can be so hurtful. I'm sorry that your stepfather is saying things that are so demeaning. Hugs and prayers for you friend! 

[Christopher Aguilar]

The other day I was playing a board game with my family and my little brother I guess was really excited and started moving his hands a lot and did might have said something my mom thought was questionable (I still don’t know what it is). So my mom pulled him aside by the bathroom to tell him something and I kind of figured what was happening so I got up and went to my room. On my way to the room I saw her slapping him on the shoulder and that really brought me down knowing how excited he was to play the game and all of a sudden have his feelings and excitement pushed aside. I came out to my mom a few years ago so she knows about me yet just refuses to talk about and every now and then says something about the way I walk or talk but it truly doesn’t bother me anymore. I just pray my brother doesn’t end up gay and have to go through what I went through. 

[redacted statement]

14 minutes ago, Urbanney said:

That’s awful. Having to be around people that you know are prejudiced against you and that feeling of needing to hide and keep a wall up is seriously so demoralizing, or at least it was for me. 
 

I’m so sorry you have to deal with this, but I’m glad you seem to know your worth and recognize that this is his problem, not yours. Keep staying safe and loving yourself for who you are. I support you. Feel free to PM me if you ever need to talk, genuinely.  

Thanks for the encouraging words.  Yeah, it's an awkward situation. On one hand, I'd like to think that I can be the person to change his mind. I sometimes think - would something so minuscule (that doesn't represent my character or who I am as a person) make him overlook everything I've achieved so far, and the fact that he's literally my stepfather who's been in my life 3 times longer than my real father was. But at the same time... I feel like I should just come out to my mom's side of the family, my stepsister and my stepfather's sister (my aunt), so that he can find it out on his own through other people and then sit and reflect on why I never bothered to tell him. Idk, time will tell. 

[LaLisaManoban]

Just ignore it, those are just empty word with no meaning at all! Like you said, he is the one with a problem, not you!

May I ask how old are you? Don't rush your coming out if you don't feel confortable to do it... believe me, you will know when is the right time to do it! When I came out to my family, my mother was the only one who did not react so well and said really harsh words to me and did not talk to me for 1 week! But now I am grateful that my parents and my siblings are cool about this and we are constantly making jokes about it!

[redacted statement]

18 minutes ago, Christopher Aguilar said:

The other day I was playing a board game with my family and my little brother I guess was really excited and started moving his hands a lot and did might have said something my mom thought was questionable (I still don’t know what it is). So my mom pulled him aside by the bathroom to tell him something and I kind of figured what was happening so I got up and went to my room. On my way to the room I saw her slapping him on the shoulder and that really brought me down knowing how excited he was to play the game and all of a sudden have his feelings and excitement pushed aside. I came out to my mom a few years ago so she knows about me yet just refuses to talk about and every now and then says something about the way I walk or talk but it truly doesn’t bother me anymore. I just pray my brother doesn’t end up gay and have to go through what I went through. 

That's terrible. As you said, it doesn't really bother you when it's directed towards you. I'm in the same boat, but it's so troubling to see parents not let their kids express themselves because I know how much that can impact a developing mind. When you tell a kid that something is shameful, they really internalize it. At least, that's how it was for me when I was little. I remember playing with dolls a lot as a kid, and even though the women in my life were surprisingly open-minded about it, I still felt so much shame about it because I knew that the general population would look down on boys playing with dolls. If an indirect outside force can make a child feel shame about their actions, then I can't imagine what it feels like to be shamed by your own parents - the people you look up to the most. That last sentence in your reply is so painful, but I feel the same way.

[LaLisaManoban]

17 minutes ago, Christopher Aguilar said:

The other day I was playing a board game with my family and my little brother I guess was really excited and started moving his hands a lot and did might have said something my mom thought was questionable (I still don’t know what it is). So my mom pulled him aside by the bathroom to tell him something and I kind of figured what was happening so I got up and went to my room. On my way to the room I saw her slapping him on the shoulder and that really brought me down knowing how excited he was to play the game and all of a sudden have his feelings and excitement pushed aside. I came out to my mom a few years ago so she knows about me yet just refuses to talk about and every now and then says something about the way I walk or talk but it truly doesn’t bother me anymore. I just pray my brother doesn’t end up gay and have to go through what I went through. 

If that happens, your brother will be lucky to have a big brother to guide and encourage him! 

[GMFlop]

Keep in mind that your stepfather is probably an oldschool dude who probably will never change his view about gays but (this is my opinion) if you opened up to him he might tolerate you and keep his behavior in check for the sake of you. 

[redacted statement]

3 minutes ago, LaLisaManoban said:

Just ignore it, those are just empty word with no meaning at all! Like you said, he is the one with a problem, not you!

May I ask how old are you? Don't rush your coming out if you don't feel confortable to do it... believe me, you will know when is the right time to do it! When I came out to my family, my mother was the only one who did not react so well and said really harsh words to me and did not talk to me for 1 week! But now I am grateful that my parents and my siblings are cool about this and we are constantly making jokes about it!

I'm 21, so in some ways it does feel a little overdue, but at the same time I don't really want to risk jeopardizing my future, so I'll probably do it when I move out. It's just that... Sometimes it feels like the clock is ticking. My big brother has introduced so many girlfriends to us. Meanwhile, I'm 21, and I still haven't brought one home for obvious reasons. I feel like the girlfriend questions are gonna become more and more frequent, and there's only so many excuses you can make and so many times you can shut them down.  But I'm super glad that it worked out for you in the end. It's great to see that some people do actually come around, despite their initial reactions. It takes time. 

[RadicalOptimism]

Yeah I’ve never been comfortable with the idea of coming out to my parents. They’re very traditional minded people and very into what others have to say. Well my dad is super religious and my moms the one that’s more worried about appearances. My sister has a girlfriend and they know and refer to her as “her roommate” or “her friend” but they always treat them the same. They’ve never treated them any differently. But what’s stopped me from coming out is that my dad has told me that women being with women is not as bad as men being with men and always talks about what the Bible says. I’ve gotten into it with him a few times about how hypocritical people pick and choose what verses they care so deeply about. I even told him why does everyone care SO DEEPLY about homosexuality yet it’s not even one of the Ten Commandments. Y’all should be more pressed at the lying and infidelity that’s rampant everywhere. I’ll eventually let them know as I’m sure they know already, but right now I’m more worried about other things than that. Hopefully when your time is right you get the love and support you deserve. I know my parents will still be there for me, but I need to work up to being 100% comfortable with doing so. It sucks to not be out to everyone and only half of the people close to me 

[redacted statement]

8 minutes ago, GMFlop said:

Keep in mind that your stepfather is probably an oldschool dude who probably will never change his view about gays but (this is my opinion) if you opened up to him he might tolerate you and keep his behavior in check for the sake of you. 

Yeah, that's why I won't hold a grudge. I'm from a post-Soviet country where that's pretty much the general opinion among his age group, so I'm not that surprised. 

[RadicalOptimism]

2 minutes ago, iAlwaysSingLive said:

I'm 21, so in some ways it does feel a little overdue, but at the same time I don't really want to risk jeopardizing my future, so I'll probably do it when I move out. It's just that... Sometimes it feels like the clock is ticking. My big brother has introduced so many girlfriends to us. Meanwhile, I'm 21, and I still haven't brought one home for obvious reasons. I feel like the girlfriend questions are gonna become more and more frequent, and there's only so many excuses you can make and so many times you can shut them down.  But I'm super glad that it worked out for you in the end. It's great to see that some people do actually come around, despite their initial reactions. It takes time. 

If you’re overdue then I’m way past the definition of overdue. Everyone’s circumstances are different and everyone’s family dynamic is different. Don’t ever feel pressured to come out before your time is right 

[RadicalOptimism]

33 minutes ago, Christopher Aguilar said:

The other day I was playing a board game with my family and my little brother I guess was really excited and started moving his hands a lot and did might have said something my mom thought was questionable (I still don’t know what it is). So my mom pulled him aside by the bathroom to tell him something and I kind of figured what was happening so I got up and went to my room. On my way to the room I saw her slapping him on the shoulder and that really brought me down knowing how excited he was to play the game and all of a sudden have his feelings and excitement pushed aside. I came out to my mom a few years ago so she knows about me yet just refuses to talk about and every now and then says something about the way I walk or talk but it truly doesn’t bother me anymore. I just pray my brother doesn’t end up gay and have to go through what I went through. 

That’s horrible. My kids will always know that I will support them no matter who they love. It’s about time we got rid of this archaic way of thinking 

[LaLisaManoban]

5 minutes ago, iAlwaysSingLive said:

I'm 21, so in some ways it does feel a little overdue, but at the same time I don't really want to risk jeopardizing my future, so I'll probably do it when I move out. It's just that... Sometimes it feels like the clock is ticking. My big brother has introduced so many girlfriends to us. Meanwhile, I'm 21, and I still haven't brought one home for obvious reasons. I feel like the girlfriend questions are gonna become more and more frequent, and there's only so many excuses you can make and so many times you can shut them down.  But I'm super glad that it worked out for you in the end. It's great to see that some people do actually come around, despite their initial reactions. It takes time. 

Overdue? Honey I came out this year and I'm 27! I know I am not an example to anyone but I can speak about my experience and I have no regrets on coming out only this year! I told my mom "Would you rather me having covid or being gay?"  (I'm joking, of course haha)

But seriously, take your time! Don't rush things!

About the girlfriend questions you are entitled to your privacy whether you are a straight or a gay man, you don't have to answer them.

[Urbanney]

31 minutes ago, iAlwaysSingLive said:

Thanks for the encouraging words.  Yeah, it's an awkward situation. On one hand, I'd like to think that I can be the person to change his mind. I sometimes think - would something so minuscule (that doesn't represent my character or who I am as a person) make him overlook everything I've achieved so far, and the fact that he's literally my stepfather who's been in my life 3 times longer than my real father was. But at the same time... I feel like I should just come out to my mom's side of the family, my stepsister and my stepfather's sister (my aunt), so that he can find it out on his own through other people and then sit and reflect on why I never bothered to tell him. Idk, time will tell. 

Yeah, it's always a tough situation, and I do feel that every person's situation is unique. Just know that even if you do come out and there's a bad reaction, it won't necessarily always be like that. My mom did not take it well at all, asked me pretty messed up questions for weeks, and felt like it was the end of the world. I was worried she would never get over it. Now, she's realized the world hasn't fallen and I regularly talk about my bf and have get-togethers with him and my parents once in a while too, and things are normal.  It all depends on the person and situation t hough. Like I said, every person's situation is unique. For example, I don't know if you worry about getting kicked out or lacking safety if he does find out. In that case, the situation would be riskier.

[redacted statement]

6 minutes ago, CrazyButItFeelsAllright said:

Yeah I’ve never been comfortable with the idea of coming out to my parents. They’re very traditional minded people and very into what others have to say. Well my dad is super religious and my moms the one that’s more worried about appearances. My sister has a girlfriend and they know and refer to her as “her roommate” or “her friend” but they always treat them the same. They’ve never treated them any differently. But what’s stopped me from coming out is that my dad has told me that women being with women is not as bad as men being with men and always talks about what the Bible says. I’ve gotten into it with him a few times about how hypocritical people pick and choose what verses they care so deeply about. I even told him why does everyone care SO DEEPLY about homosexuality yet it’s not even one of the Ten Commandments. Y’all should be more pressed at the lying and infidelity that’s rampant everywhere. I’ll eventually let them know as I’m sure they know already, but right now I’m more worried about other things than that. Hopefully when your time is right you get the love and support you deserve. I know my parents will still be there for me, but I need to work up to being 100% comfortable with doing so. It sucks to not be out to everyone and only half of the people close to me 

Ugh, that's one of the most depressing parts about bigoted family members. It's like, I don't care what other people think, yet you, the people that are supposed to love and cherish me the most, care more about what other people might think than your own child. Get your priorities straight (no pun intended).  And the classic "women + women = good, but men + men = bad" thought process... That irks me so much, and it's pretty clear where that mindset comes from.  But it's better to be in a situation where your parents either just don't really get it, or they're just in the wrong and super dead set in their ways. At least, that's what your situation sounds like to me, so I'm pretty certain that it will just take some time.  I feel like my mom is in a similar boat (in the sense that she doesn't really understand it). I've heard her say, "I am fine with gay people as long as they don't touch little boys," which is absolutely dumb and ridiculous, but I understand that it comes from a place of confusion and not really having enough education on the matter. That makes me think that all it would take is a genuine and sincere conversation. 

[redacted statement]

Also, getting mixed signals is so annoying. Literally, my grandma used to have a gay friend when she was young, which is insane to think about because that must've been in like the 60s or 70s (and under Soviet rule at that). BUT... I've heard her refer to him using the 'F-slur' many times, so it's super confusing.