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I chased straight acting gays without realizing I never stood a chance.


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Growing up I would go after the straight acting gays. The ones you couldn't tell if they were gay or not. 

Not realizing I was only hurting myself. 

They were into heavy metal music, cars, sports. Northing that interested me. Basically they were into being a man into manly things but gay. 

Didn't know they were into men with the same mindset. Ironically they don't even want to be friends with us. Cause we make them uncomfortable with our refusal to blend in and always having to stand out. 

Truth be told, they were telling me subtly that I need to find men that value the same stuff as I do if I want a happy relationship.

I'm still trying to find him, but the stuff I like isn't cool and I refuse to let it go. 

They want to date Robert. 

But the day I was given my nickname Spice. I killed Robert. Cos he was weak, ******** assaulted always bullied and hated. So I killed that person. 

Spice is who I am today. I tried to legally change my name. Which caused the biggest fallout of my family. They always hated the fact that I'm known by a nickname. They always hated the fact for 22 years I refused to be called by the name I was given. I lost family. 

Honestly I don't know what to do. 

I killed who I was because I never want to embrace the kid that got took advantage of. To me, everything that happened was basically a sign of weakness.  Killing that person was setting myself free from the past. Starting a new life Like a rebirth, but the people I dated felt always judged or watched by my friends. 

They said, when you merge both call me. Until then seek therapy.  Obviously you tried, but you seem to be the type of person that needs counseling 4x a week in order to enbrace the past. Killing what your mother named you did more damage than good.

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I'm the hunter, you're the fox 🦊.

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I'm sorry, the old Robert can't come to the phone right now. Why? Oh, cause he's dead. 

never kill yourself when you can kill others  

I don’t know how it is for you, but to me it seems that wherever you go, there you are.  The more you try to run from yourself the more you’re confronted by the aspects of yourself you deny.  It’s eas

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I don’t know how it is for you, but to me it seems that wherever you go, there you are.  The more you try to run from yourself the more you’re confronted by the aspects of yourself you deny.  It’s easier to compartmentalizations in the moment, but for the long haul, I think it would be better to face Robert and make peace with him and embrace him.  Because he’s still a part of who you are and who you’ve become.  Thank the part of you you call Robert because without him there would be no spice.  I’m not a therapist but I read books about embracing the integral self.  You can do so much more as spice with Roberts help.  It exhausting running from who you are.  Incorporate all parts and be thankful for you.  * hugs* 

 

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Thank you for sharing your story, @Spicechinodiva. :barbie:

Happy Pride Month, Exhalers! 🌈

Keep using the new 🌈 reaction! It's only available until the end of June! So keep spreading those rainbows!

TEEHEE ❤🧡💛💚💙💖💜

Roxxy 💋 

#HappyPrideMonth

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🦄 💛🧡💜

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I think therapy is a great thing for anyone... but you will find your perfect person, and prayer can move mountains! I can only imagine what you’ve been through, and that must be tough... I have some friends who have decided to take on a new identity and some friends who have been completely rejected by their families. I’m so sorry that you have experienced that to a degree. I hope your family can choose to accept you and love you for who you are, whether it’s Spice or Robert or a combination of both. It’s normal to want to run away from traumatic experiences from your past, but I think if you have the intention of healing yourself, you will find the way, and you will be able to better love yourself and others. There is someone perfect for you who is looking for exactly what you have to offer! Sorry if I sound lame, and I don’t mean to try to give any advice, but I hope you can find joy and love and happiness. I have a lot of issues myself as well. Wishing you the best

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In all seriousness though, very often what we look for in others is something we would like to be ourselves. I think you have a huge gap between who you are and who you want to be (what you want to accomplish). Being masculine is a very broad term: it's not only being into cars and playing basketball or soccer or obsessing over cars. Being masculine is a lot of things and it rarely has anything to do with the physical appearance. 

But I think you base the idea of masculinity on the way a certain man looks. If you really wish to be masculine and be seen as such, it's easy. All you need to do is hit the gym, hire a personal trainer and get good nutrition. It's not as pricey as it used to be. 

In the end, you will get two results: 

You may end up LOVING it and getting hooked on working out, feeling healthy and looking healthy and masculine

or

You may end up hating it and realizing that it doesn't complete you, which is great anyway! Now you know what you need and what not. 

Killing your past self is not the key, and this is something gays are motivated doing based on the movie and music industries. You don't need to kill your inner self to be something better, you just need to upgrade. Life means constantly improving and learning, and your personality is a result of what you take from your overall experience and making the best of it. Good luck boo.

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7 minutes ago, BUWYGF said:

He don't trust nobody and nobody trust him, he'll be the actress starring in our BAD DREAMS 

But he got smarter, he got harder in the nick of time. Honey, he rose up from the dead, he does it all the time. :barbie:

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🦄 💛🧡💜

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Wait ok I have serious questions. 
 

I am your stereotypical basic twink. And I am only interested in masculine guys too and I don’t know why. There is only a very limited amount of guys I am interested in. Does everyone have this problem like when they go on tinder or hinge and match there are only a few guys they would consider? Am I just too picky? It’s weird but the guys that are the most like me I am the least attracted too, maybe that says something about how I feel about myself but I haven’t figured that out yet 

lately I’ve been finding the only guys that have been falling for me are ones I am incredibly not interested in and only see as my friends and I don’t know what to do because I only ever will like them as friends. But these are nice guys who I genuinely do get along with and instead I always won’t let  it happen. 

is the moral of the story that I should find new interests and new hobbies to attract this masculine guy? Cuz I will! Usually I try to act all cute and innocent but I need some dating advice. How do you land a nice masculine guy? 

but I don’t know if that’s true last year I dated this muscle guy for about 8 months he was so toxic but his body was perfect. (Hence why we broke up) He was very masculine. And it was everything I ever thought I wanted. On the surface we were perfect, on paper he was perfect too. But our relationship was a mess.

I feel like there will be someone who accepts you for you. 

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If there's anything that I have learned over the past 15 years, it is to embrace the entirety of you, flaws and all.

Focus on the friends and family that stick around and love you unconditionally. Despite any flaws, despite your past.

Stay true to yourself and who you are and the right people will come to you. Seriously.

It's a journey and it'll mean dealing with and accepting trauma, but it's worth it.

 

In the grand scheme of things, nothing reeally matters that much. We are a blip in this universe, try to enjoy it as much as you can. x

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I remember I tried to fit in with the metal heads in high school when in reality I was a nerd/pop Stan. I realized when I went to a metal blessthefall concert and when people stared moshing I felt extremely uncomfortable. When I attended Britney's femme fatale concert, I felt like I was in my own zone, that this is me. From there on out I got rid of my gauges and piercings and just started being the gaymer butterfly that I truly was. The flaming phoenix 🏳️‍🌈toxic britney spears GIF

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if u are latin i got the book right 4 u @Spicechinodiva

I Not judging you, but i think you need to balance your past, because these type of big changes always got  big consequences that if you re not im a good enery point, that will destroy you.

i suggest to go therapy its any bad, about your dates, the day when the people really believes that we are all the same and stop to feeling like aliens the world would be different. if the people you dating got different hobbies and likes than you thats not bad, its part of the relations work in the personal spaces and mutual of them.

you need to work your insecurities to earn enpowerment, with that your life would change ur way bringing you new friends, new ideas, new dates, new everything. 

"Its better control the ciscumstances or they will control you"

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Run away from therapy, the psychologists can't even handle their own problems, they're human beings just like us.  There's a huge market trying to label yourself with mental deseases in order to  take away money from you selling medicines and stuff and trying to convince you that you are not suitable to this world. Believe me: everyone has problems, some have harder issues to face in life than others and some unfortunately don't have the same luck, sometimes the same problem you face in another place could be the death and in other it could be meaningless. The life isn't fair and it's not about you, ok?

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2 hours ago, Britneyspearsandmlol said:

Wait ok I have serious questions. 
 

I am your stereotypical basic twink. And I am only interested in masculine guys too and I don’t know why. There is only a very limited amount of guys I am interested in. Does everyone have this problem like when they go on tinder or hinge and match there are only a few guys they would consider? Am I just too picky? It’s weird but the guys that are the most like me I am the least attracted too, maybe that says something about how I feel about myself but I haven’t figured that out yet 

lately I’ve been finding the only guys that have been falling for me are ones I am incredibly not interested in and only see as my friends and I don’t know what to do because I only ever will like them as friends. But these are nice guys who I genuinely do get along with and instead I always won’t let  it happen. 

is the moral of the story that I should find new interests and new hobbies to attract this masculine guy? Cuz I will! Usually I try to act all cute and innocent but I need some dating advice. How do you land a nice masculine guy? 

but I don’t know if that’s true last year I dated this muscle guy for about 8 months he was so toxic but his body was perfect. (Hence why we broke up) He was very masculine. And it was everything I ever thought I wanted. On the surface we were perfect, on paper he was perfect too. But our relationship was a mess.

I feel like there will be someone who accepts you for you. 

Focus on making money, success, and establishing yourself in life.  If you really want to be with one of those empty beautiful muscle heads who got everything handed to them in life, someone with money is the only thing motivating them to act right.  It’s sad but if you want to go that route you have to be their sugar daddy.  And they still won’t really respect you.  8 months is a long time to hold on to one of those.  Mine lasted a few weeks and I was done catering to the ego. They’re fun while it lasts though.:tongueney::kisses:

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15 minutes ago, PuertoRicosFinest said:

Focus on making money, success, and establishing yourself in life.  If you really want to be with one of those empty beautiful muscle heads who got everything handed to them in life, someone with money is the only thing motivating them to act right.  It’s sad but if you want to go that route you have to be their sugar daddy.  And they still won’t really respect you.  8 months is a long time to hold on to one of those.  Mine lasted a few weeks and I was done catering to the ego. They’re fun while it lasts though.:tongueney::kisses:


but they are so empty inside and shallow inside, like I by dating this guy that was a muscle gay I got invited into all the “cool” groups I became that gay. And as I got to know these people more and more they were never people I could be friends with, they were just so empty inside and shallow. 

Finally someone who understands me! None of my friends understood but you are right. It was literally 8 entire months of catering to his ego. Doing what he wanted to do acting the way he wanted me to act. It wasn’t worth it but I’m glad for the memories and what I learned about myself. I felt very much through that relationship i lost myself but I found myself again. (Selena Gomez reference lol)
 

How old are you if you don’t mind me asking? You seem very wise about these types of things. 

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  Hey Spice,

Im Robb:) a Robert too😎

I am not a counselor or therapist, this is just my observation from your post. 💜💜💜  

I see it this way. Why are you punishing Robert? You put the blame on him for being young and abused. Thats not ok. You need to see Robert as a survivor. He lived and sounds like he fought to live. Some many young LGBTQ+ loose that fight! Your *** made it, it’s your responsibility to figure out how you did that so you can turn around and save these other kids.💜

Robert is a creator man. He gathered all the powerful things that he loved, that gave him strength, and created Spice.

Spice is Roberts way of saving himself. Spice seems fierce and powerful. But because Spice has limits, because Spice is an alter ego. Ego is vanity and not love.   Spice was created to protect not love. Robert is the only person who can teach Spice to calm the **** down and let people in but is too afraid thats why Spice says Robert is dead. 

Robert needs to understand that if he is dead all those ******* win. If Spice killed Robert than Spice is just as bad as those *********. You need to find a way to save Robert from this cycle. Dont be too mad at family and friends for loving Robert. 

 

And I think we like “Masculine” men because of Toxic Masculinity. All men want to be manlier. Society beats that into you. Gay men or feminine traits means death. You will be viewed as weak, shunned, or killed. So all that braun translates to protection and safety. Women look for strong men, men want to be strong men or want a strong man. Sadly that **** don’t exist and is unobtainable same with women. People pump, starve and carve their bodies to achieve unreachable images. 

 

Best of Luck Spice. 

 

 

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