Approaching racism from within the LGBTQ+ community

[BabyBabyBay]

I wanted to push forward some thoughts I've had for quite a few years regarding racism within the gay community and I feel like this is better timing than ever.

 

Being of south asian descent and living in the UK, I have found that trying to engage with people in the gay community has sometimes been extremely challenging. Particularly when it has been a predominantly caucasian community for quite some time. When you think about people of colour and cultures, it has definitely been a longer journey for them to be open about their sexuality.

Whenever I would try to talk to people, simply on a friendly basis, I would get cold vibes and shut off. I would be talked down to and actively made to be left out of groups. A lot of these groups have been white and I've had a lot of guys explicitly reject me on dating terms because of my skin colour. I once met a group of guys at a bar and they started conversing with me as to why they don't like south asians in general...

Because this 'community' has had experience of being oppressed and discriminated against, they started their own civilisation and within that, they start oppressing people that they perceived to be lesser than them, and it usually is people of colour. It's that old saying of hurt people hurt people. It's a never ending cycle.

I generally find 75% of the gay community to be hostile and catty and quite frankly it goes against what I find to be a community spirit in the slightest. We're all fighting the same fight but there's still a hierarchy.

 

This is obviously my own personal experience, however, from chats with the 25% of people I find to be genuinely good people, I'm not alone in this perception.

The whole point of this is not to trash the gays, but more to make people perhaps do a bit of self-reflection. Just because you've been a minority, does not mean that you are not responsible for racism within your community. Even people of colour can be guilty too, since we're so highly influenced by the norms and values of Western culture and media that has very often favoured white people.

 

Feel free to add your experiences, thoughts and anything else. But please keep it civil, there is no need to get nasty or personal to anybody. We should all be in this together. 

[redacted statement]

12 minutes ago, BabyBabyBay said:

I generally find 75% of the gay community to be hostile and catty and quite frankly it goes against what I find to be a community spirit in the slightest. We're all fighting the same fight but there's still a hierarchy.

I've seen so many gay guys that are extremely rude and downright azzholes, but they excuse their behavior as "being sassy". It's so annoying. 

[Britneyarmy8]

3 minutes ago, iAlwaysSingLive said:

I've seen so many gay guys that are extremely rude and downright azzholes, but they excuse their behavior as "being sassy". It's so annoying. 

its SOOOOO annoying they act like those popular girls in highschool that think they are the s hit and are hilarious when in reality they are annoying like im sorry to generalize but its mostly the lgbt guys from the U.S (bottoms esp ) that have this weird mentality

yesterday i saw a vid of a group of white twinks attempt to taunt and make fun of protestors (first off how ironic is that) and they got their ***** beat in 3 seconds 

its the same excuse they give madonna for being one of those "sassy divas" when in reality shes the most stuck celeb i have ever seen 

[BabyBabyBay]

36 minutes ago, iAlwaysSingLive said:

I've seen so many gay guys that are extremely rude and downright azzholes, but they excuse their behavior as "being sassy". It's so annoying. 

I genuinely believe it comes from a place of hurt. It's anger from being bullied etc. and so they put up this guard and try to make themselves look superior and unbothered.

Instead of dealing with their issues, they just pass that s.hit on 

[Urbanney]

I’m sorry that you’ve been treated this way and discriminated against. It’s not acceptable. Thank you for sharing your story. 

Edited June 1, 2020 by Urbanney
I made a response not about race in a thread about race. I apologize for being so ignorant. I removed the rest of my post.

[BabyBabyBay]

7 minutes ago, Urbanney said:

First off, I’m sorry that you’ve been treated this way and discriminated against. It’s not acceptable. Thank you for sharing your story too.

I’m going to be “that guy” and tell you how I can relate in not fitting with the gay community. I am privileged that it’s not based on my race, but more based on value differences. I really can’t stand the hookup and clique culture in the gay world. I would like to surround myself with more gay guy friends because I find that my experience as a gay guy can make it pretty hard to relate with straight guys at times.

But there’s just so much emphasis on *** and the whole idea of “gay guys can’t just be friends” along with petty cliques that were mentioned above. It’s like a high school tv show but amplified: hookups, love triangles, infidelity, over-the-top drama. It makes me sad because I find being gay to have obviously a huge influence on my life, and I want to connect with my own community, but I am sad to see it interact the way it does at times and just can’t relate to it as someone in a long-term relationship with someone I plan on marrying one day. Obviously, there are exceptions to what I’m describing, but yeah. 

Thanks for sharing this because even though it's not related to race, I still think it's incredibly relevant regardless, to gay culture and the way we are expected to fit in.

I can also highly relate to the things you mention above, as I had always been the more "wholesome" type of person. And I never really saw myself as the attractive nor ****** type.

Admittedly over the past couple of years, my attitude towards *** has become more.... open. But I'm unsure as to whether that is due to me giving in to this part of gay culture. I recently fell for a guy that is into 0rg.ies and *** parties and open relationships and it's made me have to think a bit hard about what I want and what I stand for etc.

Weirdly, I only have like 3 gay friends, the rest of my guy mates are straight. I've always felt more support and ability to express myself freely with them than I ever have with gay people... I did admittedly get with every single gay guy to exist in halls at uni though (...I was wholesome though I swear )

 

Either way, just know that there are other people out there that share the same values as you, I'm happy to be your buddy!! Even if I am slowly becoming public property 

[Jordan Miller]

2 hours ago, BabyBabyBay said:

It's that old saying of hurt people hurt people. It's a never ending cycle.

I generally find 75% of the gay community to be hostile and catty and quite frankly it goes against what I find to be a community spirit in the slightest. We're all fighting the same fight but there's still a hierarchy.

I hear you man. I agree there's a lot of work to be done still, and posts like this move us forward in a positive way. Thank you for spending the time to share your story. I'm glad it's featured on the homepage of Exhale for more to see and hopefully others contribute. 🙏 

[ExXL]

I live in Europe so it's not that bad like in America where there's a lot of ignorance and racism  I'm so sorry for people of color* who live over there because that must be frustrating , if you ask me , of course there's racism everywhere but I never felt like a victim of racism here in Germany , people are mostly educated and nice, at least in my experience , but I remember people being mean/impatient to an African immigrant at work and as a brown person I felt for him and tried to help him as much as I could ..... 

[sullivanSP]

Hey guys been doing uni work all day what have I missed?! 

[Urbanney]

29 minutes ago, BabyBabyBay said:

Thanks for sharing this because even though it's not related to race, I still think it's incredibly relevant regardless, to gay culture and the way we are expected to fit in.

I can also highly relate to the things you mention above, as I had always been the more "wholesome" type of person. And I never really saw myself as the attractive nor ****** type.

Admittedly over the past couple of years, my attitude towards *** has become more.... open. But I'm unsure as to whether that is due to me giving in to this part of gay culture. I recently fell for a guy that is into 0rg.ies and *** parties and open relationships and it's made me have to think a bit hard about what I want and what I stand for etc.

Weirdly, I only have like 3 gay friends, the rest of my guy mates are straight. I've always felt more support and ability to express myself freely with them than I ever have with gay people... I did admittedly get with every single gay guy to exist in halls at uni though (...I was wholesome though I swear )

 

Either way, just know that there are other people out there that share the same values as you, I'm happy to be your buddy!! Even if I am slowly becoming public property 

Sorry, I just realized it’s probably really inappropriate for me to make a post not about race in a thread about race. I regret making it. Thank you for such a thoughtful, kind response though. I’m glad to hear you’ve seemed to get along with straight guys, but I’m sad to hear how excluded you feel from the LGBTQ+ community.   
 

I do think it’s a problem. People tend to be very excluding on dating profiles, like excluding certain races or feminine types. It’s the same thing as black guys getting tokenized or objectified. We definitely need to be better as a community. 

[10pm24]

In Turkey, I think there’s not enough of an lgbt community to approach racism within. Or at least this is what I know since I live in a very heterosexual environment   

[Gayseus911]

I've been in a situation where I was looked down on by Caucasian gays. It made me feel less than, like I was even more of an outcast than I was in my neighborhood because of my sexuality. I thought I would feel welcomed and comfortable within my community. It made me angry and there were times where I punched a few twinks in the face. But that was then when I was 19, today at the age of 26 it doesn't bother me because I love who I am and the color I am. I learned not everyone is ignorant and closed minded. That the only division there is are those who are open minded to change and those who are not, those types of people can come in any shape or color. 

 

[IUSM]

1 hour ago, ExXL said:

I live in Europe so it's not that bad like in America where there's a lot of ignorance and racism  I'm so sorry for colored people who live over there because that must be frustrating , if you ask me , of course there's racism everywhere but I never felt like a victim of racism here in Germany , people are mostly educated and nice, at least in my experience , but I remember people being mean/impatient to an African immigrant at work and as a brown person I felt for him and tried to help him as much as I could ..... 

Being European and having lived in a few different EU countries, racism is definitely present in European societies. Though it may not always be as visible as in the US.

PS: if I am not mistaken, "coloured" is usually considered a racial slur in the US. It is better to use the term "person of colour" (POC).

Regarding the theme of the topic, unfortunately, this is not because the LGBT community represents a minority that racism does not exist within. I also see a lot of people from ethnic minorities being fetishised by some gay guys (especially for Blacks, Asians and people of Arabic descent), which is also racism in my opinion.

[ExXL]

11 minutes ago, IUSM said:

Being European and having lived in a few different EU countries, racism is definitely present in European societies. Though it may not always be as visible as in the US.

PS: if I am not mistaken, "coloured" is usually considered a racial slur in the US. It is better to use the term "person of colour" (POC).

Regarding the theme of the topic, unfortunately, this is not because the LGBT community represents a minority that racism does not exist within. I also see a lot of people from ethnic minorities being fetishised by some gay guys (especially for Blacks, Asians and people of Arabic descent), which is also racism in my opinion.

Thanks , I fixed it , so ....you think when Europeans desire *** with minorities it's considered racism ? , I personally don't think so , of course I wouldn't wanna be a fetish  but I don't see how it's racism , it's like being attracted to older guys basically, some people are turned on by the contrast .....

[conceptuel]

why did I google the word 'twink'  wtf is that 

I'm not gay but so far, Asian guys do have a hard time in European countries (or, more generally, in any other part of the world), the clichés are not helping since these are not considered as 'shocking' as the ones towards the Black community

And about the 'princesses' you talk about, most of the time they're ugly and their *** appeal (already low) turns negative when they open their mouth/move  idk if gay guys are attracted by those creatures, whatever, why would you even care about such garbage lol for me it's a filter that makes me instantly realise that I don't want to hang out with them  

26 minutes ago, ExXL said:

Thanks , I fixed it , so ....you think when Europeans desire *** with minorities it's considered racism ? , I personally don't think so , of course I wouldn't wanna be a fetish  but I don't see how it's racism , it's like being attracted to older guys basically, some people are turned on by the contrast .....

yeah being attracted to one ethnicity isn't racist lol 

however, it depends on how far it goes. there's a scandal rn in France because a TV Channel used the word 'beurette' to describe a North African girl in a TV-show... except that when you google it, well, you find some very detailed () videos. plus, it's also considered as a fetish of the oriental girl that wants to break free from her environment in order to have ***  (& it's the most searched category on French **** sites ) 

to reduce one ethnicity to a ****** thing (like black people to their c...) isn't right but saying that you prefer Latinas over Whites is not racist 

[BabyBabyBay]

2 hours ago, JordanMiller said:

I hear you man. I agree there's a lot of work to be done still, and posts like this move us forward in a positive way. Thank you for spending the time to share your story. I'm glad it's featured on the homepage of Exhale for more to see and hopefully others contribute. 🙏 

I definitely feel like there are a lot of people in our community that dismiss racism because of their experience with oppression due to homosexuality, without taking into account POC who face the double whammy being gay/bi/trans/etc. as well. I really hope that this can open things up and make people look a little bit closer to home.

Thanks for supporting <3

[BabyBabyBay]

2 hours ago, Urbanney said:

Sorry, I just realized it’s probably really inappropriate for me to make a post not about race in a thread about race. I regret making it. Thank you for such a thoughtful, kind response though. I’m glad to hear you’ve seemed to get along with straight guys, but I’m sad to hear how excluded you feel from the LGBTQ+ community.   
 

I do think it’s a problem. People tend to be very excluding on dating profiles, like excluding certain races or feminine types. It’s the same thing as black guys getting tokenized or objectified. We definitely need to be better as a community. 

Nooo you shouldn't have edited your post, the contribution was still relevant!! 

I definitely still feel instances of exclusion from the community, however it's not as bad as it once was for me. I've come to terms with the fact that I'm not one of the typical gays that can fit in with that type of crowd, and that's okay.

Dating profiles is actually a perfect example of where people can be very openly discriminatory and damaging without the face to face consequences. Especially as grindr has increasingly more 'straight' types. People purposely exclude 'femmes', and very often people of colour in their profiles. Or as you said, quite the opposite, fetishising racial types.

Preferences in general I find can be a blurred line, I don't tend to disclose my preferences on profiles because I don't like anybody feeling they're not desired. They might not be my personal desire, anybody that knows me know that I have a type, but there are certainly ways of explaining to somebody that they're not your type without stating your racial preferences on your profile.

Sorry for the essay, I just have so much to say on this type of stuff!!

[ColdAsFire88]

I’ve been seeing all the protests on TV and it made me wonder how many gays from grindr are out there protesting BLM but probably said on their profiles “only into whites” or “only into asians, latinos etc”  I have had men ask me if i am Mexican then when I respond w/yes they block me 

 

MIND YOU these guys are the ones with Torsos as their profile pics but state having a race type isn't racist 

[Urbanney]

1 hour ago, BabyBabyBay said:

Nooo you shouldn't have edited your post, the contribution was still relevant!! 

I definitely still feel instances of exclusion from the community, however it's not as bad as it once was for me. I've come to terms with the fact that I'm not one of the typical gays that can fit in with that type of crowd, and that's okay.

Dating profiles is actually a perfect example of where people can be very openly discriminatory and damaging without the face to face consequences. Especially as grindr has increasingly more 'straight' types. People purposely exclude 'femmes', and very often people of colour in their profiles. Or as you said, quite the opposite, fetishising racial types.

Preferences in general I find can be a blurred line, I don't tend to disclose my preferences on profiles because I don't like anybody feeling they're not desired. They might not be my personal desire, anybody that knows me know that I have a type, but there are certainly ways of explaining to somebody that they're not your type without stating your racial preferences on your profile.

Sorry for the essay, I just have so much to say on this type of stuff!!

Yeah there’s definitely a difference between having preferences and making certain demographics feel unwanted or discriminated against. Sigh. So much progress to be made. 

[BabyBabyBay]

3 hours ago, Gayseus911 said:

I've been in a situation where I was looked down on by Caucasian gays. It made me feel less than, like I was even more of an outcast than I was in my neighborhood because of my sexuality. I thought I would feel welcomed and comfortable within my community. It made me angry and there were times where I punched a few twinks in the face. But that was then when I was 19, today at the age of 26 it doesn't bother me because I love who I am and the color I am. I learned not everyone is ignorant and closed minded. That the only division there is are those who are open minded to change and those who are not, those types of people can come in any shape or color. 

 

Sorry to hear this man, I had high hopes for being welcomed too and it just didn't really happen that way.

But I'm glad that it made you appreciate yourself more and still be able to see the good in people.

For me, I don't like division, I don't see the point in division. Especially when it comes to this type of oppression and believe we can do better as a community to come together.

I realise this thread is going to make people uncomfortable or not engage but I hope it opens a gate for people that is usually shut.