Do you believe in the "coming out" thing ?

[Sia]

I get the impression that many of you have a warped idea of what "coming out" really means. "Coming out" is not about waving your gay pride around for others to see for the sake of saying, "Hey ya'll, I'm a queer and I'm proud!" and some of the comments here really show the lack of historical knowledge about the LGBT community and the oppression it suffered decades back.

 

Some of y'all have had the privilege of growing up in a generation where the general public genuinely doesn't care whether you're gay or straight. We tend to forget that there was a time (in the US), where being gay was more than just a "sin." It was considered a mental disability, could get you put into a psychiatric hospital against your will and if the wrong people found out about you, it could get you killed. Being gay was not something you wore on your sleeve, you hid it from people and were expected to keep it to yourself. Many gay men often led "straight lives" and ultimately suffered their entire lives never being able to be who they really were all to avoid a life of ridicule and suffering.

 

The idea of coming out is something that was introduced in the 70s/80s as part of a movement for the LGBT community not to wave flags, but to say, "we're tired of being in the shadows and we deserve the right to live our lives being who we are without the fear of being victims of crime, discrimination and violence." That's what it's about.

 

Coming out is not about you or people's interest in your sexuality. It is a way for those suffering and living a lie to stand up and free themselves from the shame and oppression. If you didn't "need" to come out...good for you. You're lucky.
 

 

 

[Midnight]

7 hours ago, JordanMiller said:

Love this! @Midnight

I think we should strive for a world where "coming out" isn't a thing, because it's not some big reveal. It's just second nature. But we're nowhere near that. People in the LGBTQ community aren't treated equally yet. 

Yeah it's about having the power to not have to justify anything to anybody.

[Exaholic]

49 minutes ago, Sia said:

I get the impression that many of you have a warped idea of what "coming out" really means. "Coming out" is not about waving your gay pride around for others to see for the sake of saying, "Hey ya'll, I'm a queer and I'm proud!" and some of the comments here really show the lack of historical knowledge about the LGBT community and the oppression it suffered decades back.

 

Some of y'all have had the privilege of growing up in a generation where the general public genuinely doesn't care whether you're gay or straight. We tend to forget that there was a time (in the US), where being gay was more than just a "sin." It was considered a mental disability, could get you put into a psychiatric hospital against your will and if the wrong people found out about you, it could get you killed. Being gay was not something you wore on your sleeve, you hid it from people and were expected to keep it to yourself. Many gay men often led "straight lives" and ultimately suffered their entire lives never being able to be who they really were all to avoid a life of ridicule and suffering.

 

The idea of coming out is something that was introduced in the 70s/80s as part of a movement for the LGBT community not to wave flags, but to say, "we're tired of being in the shadows and we deserve the right to live our lives being who we are without the fear of being victims of crime, discrimination and violence." That's what it's about.

 

Coming out is not about you or people's interest in your sexuality. It is a way for those suffering and living a lie to stand up and free themselves from the shame and oppression. If you didn't "need" to come out...good for you. You're lucky.
 

 

 

I won’t jump on the defensive here, but I do feel a lot of your comment is directed at what I said in my comment, and I just want to acknowledge that I’ve read your statement and understand your stance. But don’t assume for a second that my stance on the matter means I don’t understand the history of the LGBTQ+ community or what people have fought so hard to achieve, because it’s a subject I have read at length about.

What I should have mentioned in my comment is that I feel coming out has become less about what I understand the history of it to be about and more about societies ever-increasing need for people to label ourselves or define ourselves for the sake of other people understanding who we are. I believe that’s why so many young people sometimes feel “a pressure” to come out, because it’s what society needs to hear. It’s a box they need to tick for someone else’s benefit. I don’t think that’s right or fair. That’s my perception of it.

[Midnight]

1 hour ago, brycetippe said:

It depends on the person and the reasoning behind keeping it private. Keeping something secret is often associated with fear and/or shame, so psychologically speaking, if those are the motivations behind keeping it from being public knowledge, then it's inherently unhealthy. Interesting TedTalk on being closeted from a bisexual women's perspective, who was married to a man, so she didn't outwardly have any motivation to do so.:

 

On a personal note, being closeted was terrible for me as I'm inherently open-book kind of individual. I came out when I was 16 and it was equally the most stupid and bravest thing I ever did (I lived in a small town that was very close-minded and got a lot of flack for it afterward.). Though I do hate the fact that I have to 'come out' every time I am in a new setting or environment (school/work/living situations, etc.)

Thank you for sharing.

 

If you don't mind me asking, why do you feel that you have to 'come out' in new settings ? I feel that people should be respectful and not feel like they have a right to invade your personal things. I grew up being very outspoken so when people felt like they could just come up to me and invade my personal space I sure wasn't going to allow that and was quick to snatch a wig off if I had to lol, but I do understand that situations are different for all of us.

[Midnight]

1 hour ago, reecejwilson said:

I came out and everyone was like ... we know  I was pestered for being fans of Britney & Gaga and claiming to be straight FOR YEARS.  and having a group of girl friends, never getting along with guys  it was so obvious 

Well Britney might of passed but Gaga   I had more girlfriends too I enjoyed their company a lot more than my male friends, they like to talk about fun things and do stuff that's a lot more exciting.

[theannehedonia]

9 minutes ago, Midnight said:

Thank you for sharing.

 

If you don't mind me asking, why do you feel that you have to 'come out' in new settings ? I feel that people should be respectful and not feel like they have a right to invade your personal things. I grew up being very outspoken so when people felt like they could just come up to me and invade my personal space I sure wasn't going to allow that and was quick to snatch a wig off if I had to lol, but I do understand that situations are different for all of us.

I don't always, but then I never know when to bring it up or to speak on something when it is referencing my life. So example I worked with a woman for a year, and she always joked that I should get a vietnamese girlfriend since I liked vietnamese food (she was vietnamese herself.) I never knew when exactly to be like, yano I'm gay, or if to say anything. Then it eventually came up and she was hurt that I had kept it from her. It's about balancing the ability to talk abut ones' life freely and also the ability to have privacy. Most people suspect me being gay as well, as I'm not very masculine, so it also prevents the awkwardness of people flat out asking me or speculating with each other. As an adult I'm in this weird purgatory of not wanting to announce it, but not really feeling the need to hide it either.

 

As an added part, it's a part of my identity, I'm proud of who I am, and for people to get a full understanding of who I am as an individual, knowing my sexuality would also be apart of that. Being a gay man speaks to unique experiences and perspectives that I have as an individual, and without that information they don't have a full understanding of who I am as a whole. 

[theannehedonia]

41 minutes ago, Sia said:

I get the impression that many of you have a warped idea of what "coming out" really means. "Coming out" is not about waving your gay pride around for others to see for the sake of saying, "Hey ya'll, I'm a queer and I'm proud!" and some of the comments here really show the lack of historical knowledge about the LGBT community and the oppression it suffered decades back.

 

Some of y'all have had the privilege of growing up in a generation where the general public genuinely doesn't care whether you're gay or straight. We tend to forget that there was a time (in the US), where being gay was more than just a "sin." It was considered a mental disability, could get you put into a psychiatric hospital against your will and if the wrong people found out about you, it could get you killed. Being gay was not something you wore on your sleeve, you hid it from people and were expected to keep it to yourself. Many gay men often led "straight lives" and ultimately suffered their entire lives never being able to be who they really were all to avoid a life of ridicule and suffering.

 

The idea of coming out is something that was introduced in the 70s/80s as part of a movement for the LGBT community not to wave flags, but to say, "we're tired of being in the shadows and we deserve the right to live our lives being who we are without the fear of being victims of crime, discrimination and violence." That's what it's about.

 

Coming out is not about you or people's interest in your sexuality. It is a way for those suffering and living a lie to stand up and free themselves from the shame and oppression. If you didn't "need" to come out...good for you. You're lucky.
 

 

 

Yikes, I get the whole aspect of civic duty, but to shame someone into doing something that they are uncomfortable with is not the right way either. Coming out is a completely unique experience that everyone should be able to choose in their own time, without outside pressures or judgement. I came out super young, which was the correct way for me, but that is not the way for all people. Being gay is tough, no matter how 'lucky' they are. Your whole holier-than-thou tone is not conducive to a helpful discussion and bringing politics (lets be real, that's what it is) into a conversation about personal identity,, and your relationship with others regarding with said identity, is shameful in and of itself. 

[monkeystar88]

I was defiant because straight guys don't have to announce their sexuality but at the same time I was also proud and wanted to be a part of our people. It's like a rite of passage for us. I actually accidentally came out when i got blackout drunk and cried to my parents when i was 21 " i was like you guys aren't gonna love me anymore. I'm gay" we're from a small conservative religious town like they taught us in school that being gay wasn't right(it was a different time 2002-2006) and my father didn't think it was right. After though he totally changed his mind and we're closer now more than ever. I used to get bullied and beat up because people suspected i was gay(well i guess they knew probably) but i feel like that's another thing all of us older gay people went through. 

I think gay people are so lucky now because its so ok now. I love it.

[Mxra]

I don't really think it's something people "Believe in" or not. In a perfect world coming out wouldn't be necessary, we're still pretty far away from that though. 

I do feel however that in such a trapped world where many LGBTQ+ people feel scared, coming out can feel so freeing. I remember when i came out, yes, there were many tears but the feeling i felt afterwards was like nothing i had ever felt before, i felt free, happy. I know not everyone can have a similar experience to the one i had but in cases like mine it can really help peoples state of mind. 

[SideSplits]

4 hours ago, ol123 said:

I don't really think it's something people "Believe in" or not. In a perfect world coming out wouldn't be necessary, we're still pretty far away from that though. 

I do feel however that in such a trapped world where many LGBTQ+ people feel scared, coming out can feel so freeing. I remember when i came out, yes, there were many tears but the feeling i felt afterwards was like nothing i had ever felt before, i felt free, happy. I know not everyone can have a similar experience to the one i had but in cases like mine it can really help peoples state of mind. 

Agreed.

To 'not believe' in coming out, at least in my perspective, is dismissive to the multitudinous ways we queer folk choose to live. Coming out has different meanings to different folk in a variety of different circumstances. There is no one person who can decide whether this process is or isn't appropriate. The progress of the world doesn't move universally.  

[G-unit]

I never did.  If a straight person doesn’t have to make their ****** preference known to everyone, why should I?  People know...I don’t hide it.  I just have zero desire to sit there and conform to what everyone in this world thinks I need to do about MY sexuality.  I commend people for coming out, don’t get me wrong.  It’s very brave...but I think society has taught this community that, if you’re interested in the same ***, then one day you HAVE to announce it to the world and my sexuality is mine.

[G-unit]

I never did.  If a straight person doesn’t have to make their ****** preference known to everyone, why should I?  People know...I don’t hide it.  I just have zero desire to sit there and conform to what everyone in this world thinks I need to do about MY sexuality.  I commend people for coming out, don’t get me wrong.  It’s very brave...but I think society has taught this community that, if you’re interested in the same ***, then one day you HAVE to announce it to the world and my sexuality is mine.

[babyimmafreak90]

It really depends. I don’t think there is a one size fits all approach to this, just like much in life. 
Coming out isn’t something that I got to do, instead I had people telling me I was gay before I knew what a sexuality was. To have that forced upon you (for years) and then for it to turn out to be true felt humiliating but being able to own the narrative might have changed that. 
I don’t think, however, that anyone should have to “come out”. Straight people don’t have to declare and justify their sexuality, why should anybody? People are so much more than who they bang. 
At the end of the day, as long as you hold the power, that’s all that matters. 

[ovoxo]

I partially agree with you. I never had a big coming out announcement, rather than small conversations with people. I didn’t want to make my sexuality a big spectacle. I understand why it’s a good idea to make an announcement, so you can clear the air to everybody at once but I’m not the type of person that likes the attention. 

[DearBritney00]

On 6/8/2020 at 11:53 PM, Utopia said:

But when you tell your co-workers "it's a man, not a woman" when they ask "since when have you been living with your girlfriend", isn't it a coming out anyway ? How can we avoid that ? I've had so much coming outs, and I think it's not gonna stop anytime soon.

I feel you. I always have the same reaction.

For some people it's normal but they still ask "you are gay?" and are totally surprised by it.

Some people avoid me after I came out. It's a never ending cycle that I went through every time I meet new people.

I avoid saying that I am gay. I always say "person" to avoid these questions. For example:

My teacher asked us what our ideal partner  should have and I'm like "The person needs to have blue or green eyes".

[DearBritney00]

On 6/10/2020 at 1:03 PM, babyimmafreak90 said:

It really depends. I don’t think there is a one size fits all approach to this, just like much in life. 
Coming out isn’t something that I got to do, instead I had people telling me I was gay before I knew what a sexuality was. To have that forced upon you (for years) and then for it to turn out to be true felt humiliating but being able to own the narrative might have changed that. 
I don’t think, however, that anyone should have to “come out”. Straight people don’t have to declare and justify their sexuality, why should anybody? People are so much more than who they bang. 
At the end of the day, as long as you hold the power, that’s all that matters. 

After I wrote a classmate that I have feelings for him he actually did that.

He wrote a whole paragraph that he is straight. The answer I expected was "I'm not interesed in you" and not a whole explanation why he is straight.

[Britneyarmy8]

No I hate the idea of it and just don’t like it general 

why do people care who I’m ******** attracted to, I also really dislike all the minor microlabeling that goes on in the lgbt community but that’s a different story 

[summer2summer]

I just hate it . It's toxic ... and it exists in both the gay and straight communities. The concept of equality is highly misinterpreted and falsley comprehended. I had people pushing me and trying to box me so many times in high school and university when i wasn't leaniant to either gender just yet. People are scared of the slightly different since the terms gay, straight etc were coined. 

You're either this or that. And you should be into certain things if you are .... it just screams olden and traditional i mean really we're no different than the 30's 50's in fact going back in history being both or either was a normal tradition/nature in various cultures. 

Anyways lol maybe im speaking from my own point of view but i hated the ****** orientation labelling experience and i still hate the attitudes towards that. 

[MissSpearsSaysSo]

I think it’s dumb and rude to expect it if people. It’s just another part of homophobia and doesn’t need to be a thing anymore. If straight people aren’t expected to do this then why should gays? I think that ultimately it does more harm than good. If someone is gay, people probably already know, and that person is going to tell their loved ones and close friends anyway. So, it’s whatever. 

[Mercuryrising]

We got a long way to go but I think in 100 years or so we will be there